Saying Goodbye to My Mother

I have started to write this several times since April 5th when my Mother left this earth.  She is now with her Mother and only sibling, a sister named Miriam.  She no longer feels pain and her sight is perfect again.  I know it was best for her, but it still sucks.

One of my BFF’s lost her Mother 3 months to the day before I did.  I had no idea how hard it was for her.  I feel like a terrible person for not having given her more support.  When I told her my Mother had passed away, she put her own grief aside and offered me a much-needed shoulder to cry on.  But it still sucks.

I learned a lot from my Mother.  My Mother had type-2 diabetes.  She refused to acknowledge that instead saying she had “a touch of sugar”.  This caused her vision to be so poor that she hadn’t driven in years.  Because of this, she told me to take care of myself while I still had time.  She had many house projects that she could no longer complete and urged me to start doing the “some day” things I wanted to do.  She had a long to-do list that will never be completed.  And it sucks.

In 1993, she ran across a magazine I had left at their home while visiting.  It had a picture of a cross-stitch rose garden on the cover.  She asked if I would make it for her.  I bought the 22-count linen and all the colors then got started.  I don’t remember why or when, but I put it aside one day…and picked it up 19 years later.  I realized that my eyesight had deteriorated so much that I had to wear “readers” to work on it.  If I’m stitching on my death bed, I am going to finish that rose garden.

Last Christmas I was in a deep, dark depression.  I usually put up 13 Christmas trees, a huge Christmas village, several hundred Santa items and more.  I even have a complete set (12 place settings) of Christmas china.  I couldn’t find it in me to put up a single tree.  I now am very aware that I have a finite number of Christmases left.  David, my super hot fiance is helping me put up my Christmas village now.  We are gonna leave it up until January then take it down until the following Christmas.

I need to lose weight.  My Mother had gained weight over the years, but not nearly as much as I have.  Almost every aspect of my life is affected by the extra weight.  I have no self-confidence, I am unable to do physical things that I used to be able to do, the things I can do I can only do for short periods of time, everything hurts, etc.  So, I’m gonna lose weight.  I used to say “I’m gonna try to lose weight.” but I’m not gonna try.  I’m gonna do it.  Think Yoda.

In addition to putting up my Christmas village and losing weight, here are some of the other things on my to-do list:

Plant a garden – I did this for years and miss the delicious and thrifty produce I grew each year.

Have my house ready for visitors – It’s more clutter than actual “dirty”, but I have never let my house get this way.

Make a menu – I always did this.  David has been doing most of the cooking lately (grilling after he gets home from work).  He works hard and shouldn’t have to cook when he gets home.

Spend more time on my appearance – I probably haven’t put on makeup in more than a month.  My hair is filthy and I’m two weeks overdue on getting my nails done.

Write regularly – I have always loved writing.  I had decided that I wasn’t going to write until I wrote a post about my Mother.  I was never able to finish it so I ended up not writing at all.

Finish the rose garden and all the other projects on my list.

********

Good or bad, y’all will hear/read about it here.

  

Leave a Reply to Pam Street Cancel reply



Comments on “Saying Goodbye to My Mother”

  1. Pam Street

    We all deal with loss in our own ways. No one could have ever told me the heartache of losing my Father ( I am an only child & he was always my hero). I still break down & stay in bed over silly reminders like I will smell the cologne he wore or her a song that he loved. I have been told by my family that it has been 4 years and I shouldn’t be so sad now. But with grief we never know when it will hit us. It is just a horrible part of life that no one is ever prepared for. My prayers are with you as you learn how to move on, one step at a time. Take the time you need to grieve. Always remember that your Mom is always with you, and you will see her again one day. Big hugs to you I know how much this sucks…Love you

    Reply to this comment
  2. Mark Hoffman

    Cecelia, this week marks the anniversary of my mom passing.  Eight years.  Died June 3, funeral June 8. 

    You and your friend , who I am also friends with know I have lots of time to listen. HUG

    Reply to this comment
  3. Gina Reeves

    I sent you an email just to reach out to you because the loss of your mother is one of the hardest things you’ll do in life. I emailed you from my phone & someone called and I lost the email & found it under, Drafts. I sent it to you but it could be lost in “email space.” The email didn’t require a reply, I shared my experience and wanted you to know that I’m here if you ever need to write/talk. Don’t feel bad about not understanding what it was like for your friend to lose her mother, until you’ve been through it you couldn’t know. You have always been extremely respectful to me about daddy being shot up to his death. Even though you didn’t know how it felt, I’ve always felt comforted because you can empathize and I’m sure your friend will agree. I’m glad to read that you’re opening up about your feelings, I hope it helps you on your journey to healing. It’s nice to read your blog again.

    Reply to this comment